Yom Kippur is such an awesome day, that it turns everyone into malachim! This email is aiming to help in 2 crucial areas that your Yom Kippur depends on:
a) Yom Kippur does not help for any grievances between husband and wife. If there are hurt feelings there in your spouse, you must ask forgiveness properly in a way that will bring your spouse to forgive you.
b) Being a Malach on Yom Kippur, lasts only on Yom Kippur. We are expected to use that greatness to make a lasting change for when we get back into real life.
The question is what will you take with you for this coming year, that shows Hashem that you changed for real.
We can not go out of Yom Kippur, without the steps of Tshuva, that obligate change…. A resolution, that you will stay with through thick or thin.
Here is link to a video clip of one of my lectures. It is a part of a series of lectures called “Through Fire and Water”, that discusses the makings of arguments, making up and forgiving. If you are searching for the way to make amends this Yom Kippur, and to take on a resolution that would change your life, take a moment to hear a small part of this shiur:
An argument will continue forever, until someone makes a change. The reason why is because, everyone expects that the other side will do that change.
The message of this video was:
Making up starts by you.
Rights and obligations are ultimately the same thing. But the question is on which side of the spectrum are you putting your attention? A giver is thinking about how to give you your rights. It’s his obligation. While the taker, the egoist, is thinking how could I get my rights from you, meaning what he believes is your obligations to him.
To use this video for the first benefit, see the video now, before Yom Kippur, so that when you ask your spouse for forgiveness, you will be so much more effective then ever before.
But I would like to suggest a resolution, that will help you for the future as well. So that you will accomplish that lasting change in your marriage that you always wanted to achieve.
To expect from yourself that you will never disagree with your spouse, and never be challenged into an argument is not realistic. But there is something that we could all do, that would keep us from arguing, and maintain the ability to discuss our difference of opinion peacefully.
Your resolution for 5780:
This is what to do:
During any discussion with your spouse this coming year, pay attention for the moment that you are not meeting eye to eye any more.
You must pay attention for the moment when you see that you already presented your point of view. It should have been enough, and yet your wife is still not agreeing, or your husband is still not sensitive to your hurt feelings.
That is a sign, that it is time to take a different course of action. This discussion should be paused for now, to be resumed for a better time later, after you have done the following 3 steps:
1) Say: “Let’s take some time out.”
“I need some time to think things through again…
“Now isn’t the best time for this, I think we should pick up with this discussion a little later…”
2) With the agreement of your spouse, both of you should agree to continue talking at a later time.
3) Go somewhere where you could be alone, and sit down to relax, and clear the mind. Then, during the “time out” take out this video, and listen to it again.
The review of the ideas in the video will help you to make that switch from the focus on your rights or point of view, which is pushing you into an unwanted argument, and to open your perspective, to start to think about the position of your spouse.
The first step to stop fighting is the switch in your mind, to stop focussing on your rights, and to start searching to fulfil your obligations. Your spouse’s rights are your obligations.
G’mar Chatima Tova!
R. Meyer Yisrael Gabay